Honeydukesing
by Taste of Cinnamon
Summary: Revised! Originally titled After Hours. Everyone's two favorite marauders, James and Sirius, make a midnight excursion to Hogsmede. Friendly banter, refined vulgarity, and general...er, groping ensue. An all dialogue oneshot


**A/N: **

**Second time revising this. I hope it's a little smoother and easier to understand this time. **

**Everyone's two favorite people, James and Sirius, are on a midnight Hogsmede excursion. Using the invisibility cloak, of course. PG-13 for innuendo, but honestly—we're all mature, right? Right?**

**---**

**After Hours**

_(By TasteOfCinnamon)_

"Damn you Sirius, would it kill you to slow down for a bit?"

"What did you say, James dear?"

"Your legs are showing."

"It's not like you haven't seen them before."

"Well—yes, but under different circumstances. Last time I did they didn't look quite so pale and pasty. Honestly, Sirius you really need to get new pyjama bottoms, these ones just dont fit like they used—"

"What are you going on about? My legs aren't pale and pasty at all. They're extremely masculine and well formed."

"That would be your own opinion."

"Yes--but a certain Jeanne Craft back in fourth year seems to think differently."

"We both know Jeanne had less of a brain than a two toed tree frog."

"But she happens to like my legs."

"Well I dont. Look."

"Contrary to what you may believe, James, I dont give a hippogriff's arse what you--AHH! Goddamn! What the hell are you _doing_?"

"Showing you your legs."

"I can see my legs fine on my own time, thanks. _That_ wasn't my leg!"

"Er…wasn't it?"

"Jeeze, James. Haven't you ever taken anatomy lessons?"

"You know I haven't."

"Well you should have. You see, my legs happen to be a little lower down. What _you_ grabbed was my--"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Er…sorry mate."

"S'Alright."

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"Slow down, your legs are showing."

"They wouldn't be if you'd just hurry up."

"Oh come on. Come on, get back under the cloak and shut up, you'll wake up the entire castle."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, James."

"What are you going on about now?

"The entire castle. It's already awake."

"What, Peeves terrorize the teacher's baths again?"

"Who terrorized the teacher's baths?"

"Peeves, Sirius. Pay attention"

"He's done that before?"

"Back in second year. Towards Halloween."

"I thought that was Peter."

"Why would Peter do that?"

"I thought he'd always had a thing for Professor McGonnagall...Prongs? Why're you staring at me like that?"

"Why the Hell would you think something like that?"

"I dunno. No one could ever understand a thing Peter did."

"Well, that's true...what were we talking about again?"

"How you woke the entire castle."

"Who did? I did?"

"Yep."

"I didn't."

"Sure as heck did, James. You and Lily."

"But how could we...Oh."

"Yep."

"…Stuff it Padfoot. We were especially careful."

"Did you use a silencing charm?"

"Of course."

"Who did?"

"Who did what?"

"Who used the charm? You or Lily?"

"I did."

"Ah."

"What 'Ah'?"

"Ah that explains it."

"I—shh!...Is she gone?"

"I dunno, I thought you had the map."

"Shh…What do you mean 'that explains it'?"

"What?"

"You said 'that explains it'."

"Walk faster Prongs. I did?"

"Yes."

"No I didn't."

"I said that I used the charm and you said 'Ah. That explains it.'"

"Hmm."

"What do you mean 'That explains it.'?"

"I meant that you obviously don't know how to make a proper silencing charm."

"What're you talking about?"

"We all heard you, James. Loud and clear."

"...Dammit."

"My sentiments exactly."

"How bad was it?"

"Oh, I dunno. 'Oh James, oh James, oh James! Oh _God_!'"

"Oh please. Lily never said that."

"I can assure you, she did."

"And _I'm_ certain she didn't."

"I don't know why you're so concerned, honestly. If anything it boosted your reputation."

"Can it, Sirius."

"...You did give Peter nightmares though."

"He's always having nightmares."

"You probably scarred him for life."

"It's not like you've never done it."

"Well, no.

"Huh."

"I'm serious. _I_ always let the girl do the charm, while I er, prepare."

"Prepare?"

"You know."

"No."

"Oh, stretches, warm ups, things like that."

"You can't be serious."

"That's my name."

"For goodness sake Sirius, dont you think that's getting a little bit old?"

"I dont like to pass up opportunity."

"...Why is it better when the girl does it?"

"They never mess up."

"Not true."

"Give me an example to the contrary."

"Last year. Alexis Smidget."

"Who?"

"Alexis Smidget."

"…No, sorry."

"I can't believe you don't remember, Padfoot. Honestly. Alexis. Blonde, tallish. Hufflepuff."

"Nope."

"She had a lisp."

"Oh. I remember."

"Yeah. 'Thiris, Thiris….'"

"Oh stop being such a b—"

"OUCH! SIRIUS!"

"What?"

"You stepped on my foot."

"I didn't."

"You just did. Ouch! Padfoot!"

"I swear, it's not me!"

"There's only two of us under here."

"Yeah, but—"

"Ahh! …Is this you?"

"Yeah. Let go."

"You did step on my foot."

"Sorry, mate. Er, you just grabbed my—"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"You know, that would make twice in this evening, James. I'm beginning to think you're doing it on purpose."

"Shut up, Padfoot."

"Oh no. I just realized…"

"What, Sirius?"

"How're we supposed to get to Honeydukes?"

"How do we usually get there?"

"That statue of the witch—but after your little stunt this morning, that whole corridor's been roped off."

"Snivellus got what he deserved. Shall we apparate?"

"You know we can't apparate yet, James."

"Cant be that hard. I've seen it done.

"I don't want to end up spliced with your hand sticking out of my arse."

"...Ah. That would be unpleasant."

"We could try the whomping willow."

"We could."

"...Er, James?"

"Yes, Sirius dearest?"

"What're you doing?"

"What's it look like I'm doing?"

"Like you're performing some sort of complicated dance technique. I didn't know you could mambo."

"I can't."

"Then what're you—Oh. Oh come on James, and here I thought you were mildly intelligent. How the hell is a _stag_ supposed to fit under a tree?"

"Er…right. Sorry mate."

"Jeeze. Let me do the thinking from now on, will you?"

"That's assuming you're the smarter one out of the two of us."

"Yes, so?"

"Well the last time I checked, _I'm _the one with the Head Boy badge on his dresser."

"Yes, well, the only thing that means is that you've been kissing up to the teachers. Or just kissing them in general. And I mean that in the worst way possible."

"Excuse me? Are you implying something?"

"I'll let you figure that one out on your own...Do you have a stick, James?"

"Yes."

"Let me see it for a second."

"Well normally Lily is the only one that I allow to see it, but, seeing as I've already misgrabbed your leg twice this evening, maybe it's fitting that I allow—"

"Good lord, and I thought I was the one that was supposed to be dirty."

"Sorry, I'm done. No, I don't have a stick. Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"So you could use it for practice?"

"Dont be vulgur, Prongs, it doesn't suit you. I need it to freeze the willow with."

"Use your wand."

"You know my wand isn't as long as…a certain other part of my anatomy."

"Well, that, at least, explains why I accidentally grabbed it—"

"Twice, might I remind you."

"I'd rather you didn't. Hang on, there must be a stick somewhere around here. Maybe we could petrify Snivellus and use him as a rod."

"Prongs, my dear, I just love it when you use that word...Dont look at me like that, I was only kidding.

"Well next time, do so at less of an expense to my sanity. Why cant we just _flipendo_ it?"

"Who, Snape?"

"Yeah, Snape. The _tree_, you idiot."

"My my, James. What a rash tongue you've got there. If I were a smaller person I'd be mortally offended. And a certain aforementioned Alexis Smidget wouldn't be nearly so satisfied."

"Damn you Padfoot, hurry up or we'll never get there."

"Right. Here we are."

"That's not your wand."

"What? Course it is."

"Your wand is longer than that."

"Now how d'you know just how long—"

"Not this again."

"If you must know, my wand not…available right now, and Peter was sleeping, so…"

"You reached into his trunk and grabbed his."

"Well, no. Actually, he gets paranoid, so he actually _sleeps_ with his wand inside his, er, pyjamas."

"_No_."

"Yes. But never fear, dear James. I grabbed for it and my aim was true, for—ahem—Peter isn't quite as blessed as I am, and so I was spared from touching a certain _object_ that you, Prongs dearest for twice this night…Damn it, how long are you going to make me go on like this?"

"I was just trying to see how far you could take it."

"Yes, well thanks for putting me out of my misery."

"No need to be so sarcastic...What do you your wand mean is not available?"

"I mean it's not available. If you must know, it's currently stuck up the arse of that statue of Boris the Bewildered...What?"

"_Why_, Sirius?"

"Why what?"

"…Nevermind."

"Oh, you meant why my wand is where it is. Well, you see, Benjamin Frank bet me ten sickles that—"

"I said _nevermind_, Sirius."

"Well…if you're sure you don't want to know."

"I'm sure. Stop waving that wand around already, for goodness sake, and get to it."

"How rude? Why, if I were a smaller person--"

"Sirius."

"_FLIPENDO!_"

---

"_What the hell did you do, Sirius!?"_

"Ouch. Hmm...that can't be right."

"You think?"

"Lemme just—_FLIPENDO!"_

"Ah, jeeze. That was the squid."

"Ooh. Well, third time's the charm--"

"Actually Padfoot, I'd better do it this time."

"Nice wand, James."

"Thanks. Which knot, Sirius?"

"Second from the left."

"_FLIPENDO!_"

…

"That didn't work, Padfoot."

"Nope."

"So…"

…

"Sirius!"

"What?"

"Why didn't that work?"

"Well, you hit the wrong knot."

"Second knot from the left, you said."

"Did I? I meant from the right."

"Padfoot! Damn you..._FLIPENDO!_"

"You're so good with that wand. You first."

"Naturally."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I've beat you to pretty much everything."

"You haven't."

"Yes I have."

"You haven't"

"Sirius, statues of wood nymphs don't count."

"Of course they do. She was _female_, wasn't she? She had all the necessary and proper, er—_equipment_."

"She was rock cold stone!"

"But oh, so delectable."

"That's disgusting."

"Yeah, a bit."

…

"Eww. Jeeze, why is it so moist in here?"

"Prongs, Prongs, Prongs. That's how it gets when you're underground."

"Yeah, but—oh, gross."

…

"Dammit, Sirius, stop singing."

"I'm not singing."

"Humming. Stop humming."

"I thought you loved my voice."

"You would, wouldn't you? Oh! Oh jeeze, this is just disgusting."

"What?"

"Look!"

"You're not scared of dirt, are you?"

"It's not dirt, Padfoot."

"What? Then what is it? Looks like dirt to m--AHH! Oh, jeeze, this is disgusting! Get them off!"

"Ack, hold still Sirius. Stop moving around."

"It's a little hard with these things crawling over me. Prongs!"

"Well, _try!_"

"I _CANT_!"

"Oh damn! Sirius!"

"_JAMES!"_

"_SCOURIGIFY!_"

"...Ow. Er, that was quite painful."

"Looked like it."

"And, uh, you're never going to let me live that moment down, are you?"

"I'm mentally replaying it in my head as we speak. Who knew you could move like that?"

"Certain members of the Hogwarts female population, but let's not get in to that, shall we?"

"If you say so."

"That moment's going to haunt me for the rest of my life."

"Like my screams."

"Yeah. Like your screams."

"Honedukes, we meet again."

"And I was just starting to feel warm and fuzzy."

"Sirius."

"Hmm?"

"Where's the cloak?"

"I thought you had it."

"I did? Oh damn."

"Either 'damn' has suddenly become an expression of great joy, or you're about to tell me something I really wont like."

"I left the cloak back at the…the spider place."

"James!"

"Sorry, mate."

"If we're seen, I'm blaming you."

"Well, maybe if you hadn't stepped in them--"

"Yeah, like I just had nothing to do but step in a hole full of spiders."

"But then again, what do I know?"

"_Candy!_"

"Shut up, Padfoot, they'll hear you."

"Who'll hear me? There's no one here."

"They live right above the store."

"Ah. Well then, I'm glad that at least someone knows how to use a proper silencing charm."

"Oh _gross_, Sirius. Thanks, just...thanks."

"You know I'm always here for you."

"Forgive me for not jumping with joy. Here, grab a bag."

"Already got one!"

"Droobles gum?"

"Yes, raspberry. Ooh, they got a new stock of sugarquills."

"Excellent. Grab me a dozen."

"Jelly rats, cockroach clusters, chocolate frogs…is that enought?"

"Yes, I've got the bonbons and Bertie's Beans. Let me just leave some money on the counter, and…Oh crud."

"What?"

"You got any money on you Padfoot?"

"Well, seeing as I lost my bet with Benjamin earlier today...no, sorry."

"I was sure I had some extra sickles."

"Just leave a note on the counter, we can pay them next time."

"Good thinking. I've got a scrap of parchment somewhere…Ah. Toss me a sugar quill?"

"Purple or pink?"

"Oh honestly, Sirius, I don't care."

"I'm rather partial to lime green, myself."

"Lime green will do."

"Although the electric blue is quite—"

"Padfoot!"

"Alright, alright, jeeze, no need to shout! Here."

"…Will..pay…you…back…next…time…Finished!"

"Right. Let's get out of here. Open…open the trap door, will ya, James?"

"My hands are kinda full here."

"Well so are mine."

"Oh great. Great. Uh...Hang on. Ouch!"

"Ouch! That was my foot!"

"Yeah, well that was my arm. Ahh!"

"Ahh!"

"Oof, good catch, Sirius."

"Thanks"

"Here, get in."

"Erg…Ow!"

"What now?"

"Well it's kinda hard lowering yourself into a hole when your hands are full."

"Stop being such a baby and hurry up. I'm sure they've heard us already thanks to your yelping."

"Excuse me, I don't _yelp_."

"Janice Tinsborne."

"Ah. Well, she was a bit…er…"

"Forceful?"

"Demanding."

"Sounded like it—What are you doing now, Sirius?"

"Trying to—ow! Shift these bags."

"Leave it alone."

"Easy for you to say. You don't have to carry the chocolate frogs."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, they _move_. And, er--it's quite...uncomfortable."

"Can't be that bad."

"No? Well, why don't you carry them then?"

"Fine. Hand it over."

"...Huh."

"Mm hmm?"

"You were right, Sirius, this is quite uncomfortable."

"Mm hmm. Try holding the bag a little higher."

"Ah. Thanks."

"James?"

"Yes, Sirius?"

"You know when you reached for that bag, once again, you missed and grabbed my—"

"Yeah, Sirius. I know."

"I think I'm telling Lily on you."

"Sorry."

---

**A/N: **

**Just as a side note, I neither support nor wrote this with any intention of making it seem like Sirius-James slash, although...I dont blame anyone who mistakes it for that.**

**NO slash implication whatsoever.**

**Reviewwwwwwww.**


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